It's October & November is Approaching...

This week is the 3rd week of October... Halloween is just round the corner and November is approaching...

And me, myself and I... have been staying at home for the past 2 days... Including today, it makes my stay at home the 3rd day... I took a break away from work; a real breakaway by staying at home...

~Sign... Sign... Sign...~ I'm signing away...

I started to lose the confidence in the business I'm in and for the past 2 weeks, basically nothing has been done... I was feeling down, confused and depressed...

From just being a Lab person who just knows how to hold test tubes in laboratories to be out in the field providing financial advices is really a huge career change and an ultimate turnover of myself... I ponder and did a flash-back, why am I in insurance... Is it 'cos I'm doing it out of a favour for Andrea? Or is it I really can't get myself a job during that time? I respected Andrea with my utmost faith and we're basically more than just sisters, more than friends, more than colleagues in work... But despite all these facts, I feel very far away... It's just me or my mind is playing me out or it's just simply the fact that I can't hold firm in the business I'm in...

I need a helping hand to get myself started in the business I'm in, however right at the start I was already out there in the field without knowing how horrible and unreceptive human nature is... I blamed my ignorance and persist to learn... I soon realised I'm just bumming myself around without a proper guidance... Soon weeks have gone by, I'm unable to meet my validation requirements for the past 2 months... This rendered me for not getting paid in any forms of commission nor training allowances... I was desperate, even more desperate given the fact I've yet to clear my education loan with the bank... 2 months of arrears put me in situation that I might be subjected to litigation... On the bright side, I managed to negotiate with the bank about my financial standings and they're willing to give me more time...

Since last Thursday till now, I've been calling my training and accounts department to understand my current validation status and the amount of money I should be getting... I'm still yet to fulfill the validation... For all the efforts I can, I started to minimise my spending for not travelling far, eating less, not getting any appointments, etc to minmise any opportunity cost I might be facing... I've basically spent more in this business than repaying the loan I'm supposed to... Isn't me a fool or just being naive? For the very last bet, I bought 4 basic Personal Accidental plans for my parents and siblings in order to hit the validation of this month so as to get my training allowances in November... Another hefty investment that I've committed just to get that few thousands dollars... In regards to my commission, it was very delayed and till now I'm trying to get my cheque from the accounts department...

Thankfully, I managed to close a single premium investment plan with a cold prospect I met on street late this July last Friday... He's my very first cold prospect I managed to close and also the first person in the industry giving me the encouragement and support at this time I'm down in the business... Andrea and my manager found him skeptical when I related his case to them... It all points down to the fact that he's a senior financial services manager from my competitive company, hence the skeptics they've towards him esp he's getting a policy from me not his company where he can earn his own commission... Just base on the fact that I need more life cases, I ignored whatever comments or suggestions they gave and headed down to close this deal... I understand Andrea and my manager are trying to protect my interest and to guard me against any compliance issues, apparently it was this cold client of mine who gave me the most advice, the most support and a helping hand to a newbie like me... For that instant moment, I felt ashamed in the Agency I'm in... I was being encouraged and support by someone who don't recruit and trained me, but yet giving me all the support and encouragement he could... Moreover, he's from another insurance company and gave me the privilege to show to other people that I'm capable to close a deal with a senior financial services manager from my competitive company... What's more can I say?

I wonder what I've done has gone wrong, or it is just acts of desperation??? I tried to be graceful... Besides getting frustrated by the mistake what the new guy has done in the accounts department and the Agency I'm in, I decided to do something more constructive... I need to re-strategise my plans and re-think my capabilities in the business I'm in... and I'm still thinking and planing...

Its for the very first time I poured out how I feel to hubby Lionel after weeks of considering with the fear of being judged by him... Thankfully, he didn't judge me and gave me full support in whatever decision I'm going to make... For the best of the least, I still my hubby around me who has been always supporting...

Recollection

It's been coming to about 2 months in the industry of Insurance... My schedule was busy at a point of time with some days in between I'm so free I could sleep one whole day at home doing nothing... That's pretty much a common working life of most agents who just started...

In these recent weeks, I'm packed with trainings courses and skills enhancing trainings which make my current work schedule busy... I'm thankful to learn new skills today and I managed to put one of the concepts I learned into practice... As I did face-to-face prospecting after my class, a prospect of probably around the age of 18-20 brought me to a lot of recollections of my life and reflections... It took me a fair amount of time to bother to talk to him on issues he might be facing now and near future... He agreed with a lot of things I said, but ironically he prefers not to address and even bother to look into it when I asked for 30minutes of his time to let me share with him more over coffee table... The most saddest part of our entire 15minutes of conversation on the street, I could feel his un-seriousness with a great sense of irresponsibility...

Parents nowadays are educated and wanted to give their best to their children... In most scenarios, it's usually an agent's job to advise their clients to get a life/saving insurance plans for their child the moment they're born... The selling point is always commitment, responsibility and love for your child... I came from a background that I earn and work hard for every single cent to put myself through days throughout my entire tetiary education, very naturally I'll feel the pinch of real hard life... Of course, in the course of those "hardships" I had to bring myself where I become, brings me a lot of pain, frustrations and hatred... I disliked the way my parents are, I even hated the way they don't plan for their children which one of the reasons why I'm in Insurance today...

Although I've already come by the fact that that's the way my parents are and by looking at a very different perspective on their upbringing of children, I can't blame them for their ignorance 'cos they are not educated... I accepted the fact and be forgiving... It took me quite some time to learn not to be so harsh to myself... However, this young prospect I met this evening gave me a more insightful perspective and I feel I should start to love and cherish my dad and mum more, besides the fact of just accepting the fact and being forgiving...

Andrea once told me during my course of training as an agent... By giving a fish to me today, I'm able to survive today... But by teaching me how to fish, I'm able to survive for life... I've no qualms and this makes a lot of sense to me... Back to the young prospect I met, the 15 minutes conversation made me realised by teaching someone to fish at times, the person might not survive for life... ATTITUDE is always a key characteristics in acquiring skills and learning... However, the moment I recalled how that young chap talked, it's more than just his ATTITUDE... It all points down to the basic level of fundamental learning... Obviously, this chap's ears are shut off and no matter how much effort you put in to teach him how to fish, he'll not want to learn how to fish until he wants to learn... This brought me into thinking how parents are teaching their kids nowadays... Is teaching them how to fish now seems tough and difficult?? I feel strongly inside me, it's a YES... But why?? All voice down on how good a parent and a role model you're at the right beginning... By forcing your child to learn how to fish is not the way, neither by begging them to learn... Parents nowadays are getting more protective over their kids and getting their kids an insurance plan serves as a kind of responsibility more than their love to them... But it doesn't teach them the value of self-repsonsibilty...

I'm very thankful from within that my parents' ignorance of not planning for us has now surfaced the truth that sometimes by throwing us out in the ocean will eventually make us learn how to fish more effectively... Yes, the sad truth is I learn how to fish in a hard way and along my life journey, I fished the wrong way but throughout my entire journey, my stopovers where I encountered setbacks make me a much better fisher... I failed at times, but it's every human instinct to fight for survival... Being thrown out there in the big ocean makes me a much stronger person and in alot of things parents just simply can't teach us... I'm deeply appreciated by my parents' ignorance that brings me to where I'm now... Though I'm still yet to reach there, but by realising this has naturally untie a knot I had within my heart for years...

Reconstruction

Sleepy and tired... As always, since day one I'm staying at Home... Life has never been more lazier and slackly as before... I've a tendency to sleep late and woke up late... The only days I woke up early is when I'm having tutorials and exams...

Oh yes, as I mentioned, my days to exams are coming to an end... But for this time round it's about getting myself certified as an insurance agent, and hence I need to pass 3 papers to get myself started... It's not out of a spur moment decision I made just 'cos I'm unable to get a job in my industry... It's been a decision made after months of consideration... Ernest was crying out loud when I told him that... He feels the degree I'm getting does not justify the decision I've made and it'd be good for me if I continue to stay in the Lab... But to me, it's not about weighing of what is worth from the years and effort I've put in to obtain that BSc in Biomedical Sciences... It's really about what kind of life I'm preparing myself to face and live...

It's already a known fact to me that passion in Science no longer stays in my dictionary of leading a life... I bother much about how to lead a living a life that's worth living in my own context... For the past years, situations occurred changed my directions in life.. Never had I expect myself to settle down, the thought of family planing never come across my mind till recently I finally married to Lionel... Thoughts of how to become a good wife and parent strike my thoughts every now and then... Most of the most wonderful thoughts always come in a conclusion that everything I want is money... No money, don't bother to even think about it... As it occur to me that I shouldn't be that worried and eventually as the times come, everything will level up and our needs will be met... It'd be great to have such perception if I was still single without any burden and I'll be still young to continue fighting for resources to meet my needs... But for the situation I'm in now, it's not possible to have such a thought... Planing is a necessity now, but a constructive planing...

I dare not to perceive how far can I reach in my new career as an insurance agent, neither how much money can I earn... I just know the amount of income I want determines by the amount of hard work I put in... Moreover, being in this line enables me to be in control of our finances and be the one able to provide all sorts of protection needs to people around me should anything happen... I believe this kind of career is much more realistic and constructive for me to follow... For every moment I work in a Lab, I'm always facing uncertainties and I don't deny the fact that I'm always worried about medical cost I need to face when something unfortunate happens to me... Lionel has been always worried about me having no enough money in event of his early demise... I do not know since when he had such a morbid thought, but I do know in whatever sorts of events that might happen, his only wish is to see me happy and not in sufferings... The only thing I can do for him is to assure him that I'm always sufficient and protected so as to rest his mind... Our fights over my decision to go into insurance had indeed cause a lot of misunderstandings... But over here should Lionel has any chance to drop by and read my Blog, I just want to re-assure him that I'll always be sufficient and be happy as always the first day he know me... My final decision is not solely 'cos of myself but to people whom I love...

The ugly days of most people lives are always when in situations when there's a financial strain... In events when one is facing death and serious illness, the thought of additional financial strain is just that stressful and people who are unprotected always tend to come to a losing end when such situation falls on them... This is something I wish not to witness to people around me, especially Lionel...

I just want as long as I live to lead a much better live and with no worries in any sorts of events that might bring upon early demise of myself or my loves one... The only thing I want to bring with me on my demise will only be sweet memories of my life with my loves one, not tons of worries...

Parents' Meeting

A moment ago, my sister, her Fiance and his family members left our house after a short meeting with my parents... It was about their marriage after 10years being together...

I wasn't really pleased with my sister's Fiance's presence just based on the fact that I deem him as a real bastard in my sister's life, someone who only knows how to depend and would never make a good husband and lover... My mum and I almost had a fight over this person just a hour before their arrival...

Nevertheless, my brother is not very forgiving for whatever this person has done to my sister...
"One should never expect forgiveness if he do not have the courage to own up for his mistake..." This is exactly what my brother had written on a piece of paper before he left for the movies this evening... He passed it to me and expects me to get this message across to my sister's Fiance... Unfortunately, this message has not been brought across... Myself and my husband were in my room doing some stuffs on my Mac and I couldn't be bother by what they were conversing...

The wrongdoings of that guy are just that disastrous that I myself as a woman should never thought of forgiving him... But my sister did... Not 'cos she really loves him that much, but for whatever rationale behind that I can never comprehend... If a real man truly loves his woman, even he's unfaithful and got his woman's forgiveness, he should never ever make the woman he loves suffer again for whatever he had done... This guy did...

I've in fear at times that this person is going to ruin my sister for the entire life... With her current pregnancy, I can't image what will the run over effects to their offspring... Once a cheater, always a cheater... This guy cheats on my sister for more than once and I'd be at no surprised in time to come, he'll cheat again... The greatness and generosity of Love shouldn't be that extent... I seriously can't help but to think how can one possibly be able to tolerate the hurt and harm from someone he's unable to be truthful with... Although my husband and I have been through lots of fights that we keep hurting each other, but those hurts are truthful enough that we never lied and be unfaithful to each other...

I'm glad my husband is with me this evening, or else I might create a chaos at home... It's by the fact that my husband's love is with me, I'm able to calm down and think rationally... For what my sister has become, I blame my parents' responsibility and upbringing of their kids... Something I can't swallow was my mum's challenge impose towards me and her judgment towards my future parenting of my own children... Despite the fact that she's my biological mum, I feel deeply she has no rights to make such a judgment towards me as she's never been a good mother by partaking her responsibility to parent and discipline her children since day one they were born...

It took me years to understand through the yearns to be loved how to be a good parent in future... It's the bond I've lost with my mother and I shall never allow this to happen between me and my children...

Getting Back to Perspective...

It's like coming to 6 months before I'm able to recall I've a Blog on Blogger at www.katsigner.blogspot.com... It just happen... all of a sudden as I'm on the verge of updating my status on Facebook, I saw my own blog website under my own profile... I clicked and directed myself to this site... My last entry was dated on 21st November 2008... I decided to blog an entry today...

During this period while I'm rather inactive, in everyone's life, it's either everything has changed or unchanged... For me, as always, my life is always full of changes - my status, my circumstances, my directions of life - to the extend my life is always full of drama stories that every moment I happened to talk to Ernest or Andrea about it, it's always full of emotions...

One good thing to share, I'll no longer nag about my stress on my exams here again... 'cos finally after 3.5 years of part-time BSc studies with UWA has finally come to an end... My last paper was on the 23th April 2009... It was a 3hr worth of Molecular Biology questions and essays... This paper determines my graduation to get a Bachelor... But... in actual fact, I got a husband in my life!!! Not a Bachelor... Hahaha... Yes, I got married on the 4th Feb 2008 to Lionel... On purpose, it happened to be my Birthday as well... We arranged it intentionally just based on the ground that he proposed to me on his Birthday last year in August and we couldn't really think of a date that both of us is comfortable with for our solemnisation...

Perhaps in the eyes of others, it's kind of a rush... At times to me, I might think events that had happened is running to fast for me to catch up... I wasn't really very prepared to see myself married... Not 'cos Lionel is not the one but I do love him, not as much as he does towards me which is a known fact between us... Moreover, I've recently been jobless as my contract with my ex-company has ended this April and currently I'm staying at Home... Events that happened, brushed through my eyes and I know by known fact that these have happened... No matter how well planned I wanted to move myself forward a year ago, what has actually happened always don't go accordingly to what I want...

Alas, I got it... I've basically stopped planning and pining nice positive images on my mind how consistently I've picture myself to be... In summary, I can't control my emotions, my thoughts, my circumstances and the events in the future... Perhaps to say, I don't have much self-discipline on determining the self I want to be in years to come... There're always distractions around me which I can't resist at times, not able to take control on the situations I've encountered...

3.5 years back, I painted a picture of seeing myself as an overall HD student and graduate with first class Honours with UWA, armed with rich scientific research experiences and my next step is to see myself moving forward to get my phD with Johns Hopkins University... The moment when Johns Hopkins Singapore declared they would cease operation, my dream went shattered and at that spur moment, I've basically blamed the entire world for my situation... Never would I expect 3 months into a new job, a new direction and a goal in mind would ended up so quickly... Those were the days I feel I'm in control of what I'm doing and very confident and proud of my results.... Getting to work in Johns Hopkins is just like an impossible dream for me back then... I'm armed with nothing, and the only thing I can convinced them to take me in is my determination and my will to excel by showing them I'm doing a part-time degree at the same time to make up of my lost time... But all these ended pretty quickly when God snapped his fingers and this change the next 2.5 years of my life...

I moved on to A*Star working under a French Scientist, that's where I got to know Lionel at Biopolis... Things don't go well for me and as previously I nagged on my Blog, I simply can't tolerate the way they get things done and myself unable to accept the fact that things are no longer the same as when I'm back in Hopkins... The move over to a new lab environment was fast and swift... My emotions were left unpacked... With daily new activities in work, the only times I'm able to think about what had happened was after 3 months into the job... I couldn't find that passion, that determination I used to have when I was in Hopkins with my new Boss and Colleagues... Perhaps they were French, I deemed them as arrogant species... I recalled when my French Boss informed me that she'd be giving a seminar in an afternoon and she'll be out with her Post-docs without asking me to join in the team, I don't feel myself as being in a team with my French Boss - not a good sense of belonging... Since then, I always see myself being left out in almost everything they were doing and talking in the Lab... The only thing I'm always doing was tons of administrative work, procurement and a presence in all Lab meetings...

The moment my French Boss told me she no longer feel the need to keep me in the Lab 'cos she don't think I've been contributing much in the Lab and being in a dynamic Lab, she can't afford someone who likes to sit in her desk most of the time, just like what I'm doing back in Hopkins... I couldn't recall what we had conversed but I remembered how her words made me feel... Hurt and betrayal... I voiced out and defend myself... My capability is not to be determined by my presence in that working desk of mine, neither is a comparison and assumption of what I've done in Hopkins... I had worked as early as 8am in the morning back in Hopkins running 3-4 experiments at a time with only less than 30minutes of lunch so that I'm able to attend my night classes on time... What rights does she has to make such an assumption on my capability... I can't feel I'm belonged to the Lab and never did she ever thought of assigning me some sort of project to do... The only things she would always approach me were tons of administrative work, procurement to clearing the wastes and getting glassware for washing... Blamed myself for not being proactive but seriously I can't comprehend the rationale behind of her assuming my capability back in Hopkins when she didn't even know and understand how hard I had worked before... I felt she's just being prejudiced and with the excuse I deemed myself as rendered useless in the Lab, I quited and left Biopolis...

It seems like a double impact to me then, my then ex-Boss was indirectly insulting and judging my capability by indirectly digging out my unpacked emotions with Hopkins as a mockery... Those were the days I felt gratified, useful and confident in goals I set for myself... When it turns out to be a mockery in the eyes of others, I realised I might not be that strong to accept what others have perceived of me... This is where I've stopped myself to move forward in the picture I've painted 3.5 years back... I can't possibly continue the journey of being a Scientist... I started to question my capability and ability to see myself that far... Apparently, I've stopped seeing myself putting nice pictures on where I'll be... All I've in mind is to do whatever I deem fit that I think it'll make me happy... I went back to the Fashion world, back to Loewe... Although it's just a temporary position, it was good enough to bring me the thoughts of quitting my BSc programme... Thankfully, I didn't and continue to finish my studies... My only thoughts then was to complete my degree which was about 1.5 years left... I got myself a Lab job with Singapore Eye Research Institute last February but with a mentality to complete my study whilst I'm working there... I don't possess a good impression of my new Boss and to what I expect, she's really even horrible than my French Boss...

Based on the fact that I'm much younger and prettier than her, it's undoubtedly that she would do anything stupid to hinder my career development there... As things that I've seen, deep within myself by staying there long term can only bring me harm but not any good... The place is just full of boots lickers and only those who are the apples of the eyes of the Scientific Director have the say and control in almost everything... My days there weren't of any good and basically I'm not contributing and even minor experiments could render my Boss to push me around like a fool... Projects I've been undertaken were trival and of unimportance... My Boss basically pinned an ugly image of me there, rendering me an utmost useless Research Assistant there wasting time and taxpayer's money doing something that possess a very high chance that the project will be called off... The best of all, my Boss has the tendency of crushing her staff's pride by giving lots of empty promises and snatches aways all credentials her staffs have done... I swallowed and no matter how unhappy and unfair I was treated there, I took the advantage of completing my studies there... I showed her no respect and deep within my heart, she's condemned... In such an awful environment, I'm very much thankful that I do have a bunch of colleagues I can mingle with without setting eyes of pretense... Definitely in front of my Boss, I've to act as a different person in order to keep my rice bowl... I need the degree to graduate and get better pay job after that and the only thing I can keep emphasising to myself was my studies... Finally my contract ends, and it's no surprise that my Boss would not want to renew my contract... Even she did, with such a Boss around, I don't think it's healthy for me to continue staying in such a dirty, filthy environment which will only bring detrimental effects on my personal growth...

My days there indeed have caused lots of negative effects on my daily life - the struggle to stay on and the continual stress to complete my studies... As much as I've thought of doing something bad, the withdrawal of those evil thoughts were so intense that the effects had fallen onto Lionel indirectly... We fought and quarrelled almost every other days... I've never seen myself so hysterical, and the pain I've within was indescribable... I started to realise I've been losing myself greatly... I can't feel the past determined and persistent Katie I had once known... In maintaining my relationship with Lionel at the same time, the more fights we have, the more I can't find myself back... I don't see any rationale behind in loving someone specifically, neither can I be that rationale whenever I'm emotional in every situtaion I'm in... The only thing I was doing then was to just leave things as it was and move things step by step forward... It might appear not to be something right and feasible but I had lost the heart to even think about what my future with him is going to be like...

I got married and on that very actual day, I wasn't really happy within and I could sense the smiles I've through the pictures we've taken... Sometimes I really need a real hug from him and with me just being in his arms, I'm able to feel safe but not at times we've made up after we fight... I'm unable to describe the lost feel I'm having but I know I'm seriously emotionally tired and needed the rest...

As I wondered and pondered at times, refusing to take into the element of luck to the extend I feel so much to vent all my frustrations and unhappiness to God, I still can't get myself into perspective... As much as I'd love to push the blame to the entire world but me, I know I just have to get myself back... With now given an opportunity, staying at Home before I head forward to my new exciting career despite I've great fears in, I know I've to take the chance... Forget about painting beautiful pictures and those planing, I just want to get myself back into perspective...

Made of Honor

Just had a DVD at home... It's like been a long time I ever had one... I watched "Made of Honor", a show I wanted so much to watch it together with Lionel at the point of time it was released in Singapore... However, I ended up watching it alone at home...

Fun and enjoyable movie... Some critics said it's trite and banal... But I do enjoy watching such movies, neither too intense nor emotionally stirring...